Guide to apartment hunting in Paris

Why apartment hunting, might you ask? It is not a fox, or a rabbit and one does not walk around with a fusil searching for a man with a suitable apartment advertisement. And yet, metaphors aside, the process is frighteningly close. The target is constantly moving, the circumstances with it, more than one hunter is necessary to get any result, and of course, the last successful ingredient for having a successful apartment hunt is unlimited patience.

Mostly, it is for the real estate agents who never call back and when they call back exceed any quota a reasonable person might allocate for the usually unsatisfactory french customer service. The real estate agents have the cruelty of hunters and are to be allocated to a whole separate category of human relations. Here, stress balls might be useful but entirely not sufficient, I am afraid to report.

One particular problem with real estate agents is that they are not available at any other time other than when normal salary-earning people are working. Visit on Saturday? Of course not, what are you imagining, Madam?! After a few of these exchanges, I figured their joint objective is either to make sure that by the time you found the apartment of your dreams, you are unemployed, or to only rent to prostitues or bartenders, because with their hours, they are the only ones available during the day.

A second serious issue with french real estate agents are the ever flattering descriptions that they dish out for apartments which in other cities might be considered good enough as cellars or some sort of storage space. All in all, what you expect to be a rabbit turns out to be just a fat mouse. It is one deceiving hunt. So, out of compassion for fellow apartment seekers and out of pure frustration (probably more of the latter), I decided to help decrypt the apartment announcements, which bear as much resemblance to their flattering but entirely inconsistent with reality decriptions like rabbit bears to a mouse.

So, here it goes, the tried and tested list of phrases used to lure unsuspicious apartment hunters in a hunt in which they have absolutely no interest:

immeuble recent - shoebox with ceilings where you have to bend down to enter (no, not sexy kind of bending down)

charmant appartement, not be confused with "appartement de charme" - wood ceilings and a creaking staircase, which seems like it might just fall apart at the next step

vue magnifique - last floor, in the former maid's closet with slanted ceilings

salle de bain - standup shower student style

appartement calme - dead area, your grandmother would die there quicker if you moved her there

quartier animé - living on top of a british pub. well, on the plus side, at least the beer is not far.

proche des commerces - living on top of a chinese takeout

duplex - a place consisting of two floors where the stairs are so narrow that the only way you'll ever exit the apartment is in an ambulance

appartement refait à neuf - the son of a friend of the agent's cousin has repainted the wall last summer
appartement en bon état - take your mask, H1N1 gel tube, gloves and hold your breath when you enter the premises

appartement en travaux - feel like being in a remake of WWII ? call the agent and don't forget your helmet

maison: ah! good one...you thought you would rent a house in Paris?!

That's the abbreviated version for the naive apartment hunter, the extended version would take much more space and angry energy. Maybe after my next visit, I will have just what it takes. Until then ladies and gentlemen, happy new year!